Concubine Search: The (Other) Application

First, I'd like to clear up some confusion regarding the original Girlfriend Search. This search was never for or about me. Shame on all you people for thinking otherwise, because I would not pay for application entrees. I don't have the money, or the need, to do something like that.

With that being said, Girlfriend Search was a success..... kind of. The Candidate found what he thought was the women of his dreams and married her. Only now that he's gotten to know her better over the past few weeks, he's In Search Of...... A Concubine (that was a reference to N.E.R.D.'s first album). He is specifically looking for someone to help make his life (and marriage) more bearable. And so with that being said, the Concubine Search is now underway, and the application is below.

Because of the nature of his situation (and consequently, the urgency of Concubine Search), The Candidate is again paying applicants to enter into this contest, and he even decided to move the decimal places a few spots. Each applicant will receive $2,000.00 to enter into this contest.

Questions that are important -
The Candidate has issues with his wife about this stuff.

Do you fart?
Do you wear socks when you sleep?
Were you born a female?
Are you currently a female?
Have you ever in your life had male reproductive organs?
Is incest wrong?
Can you trace your family tree back at least one generation?
If so, are you related to anyone with the last name Warbucks?
Do you have vagina dentata?
Are you a black white-supremacist?

Concubine-specific Questions -
This stuff is so important that if you lie, you will be drawn and quartered.

Are you a jealous person?
Do you call or visit on holidays?
Do you like to send text messages?
Do you have aspirations of marriage with the candidate?
Will you write a tell-all book (a la confessions of a video vixen) which includes the candidate?
Do you take birth control?
Do you still drop eggs?
Complete the following sentence: "I'm pregnant, and the baby _____________".

Optional Questions -
Again, this stuff doesn't matter, but it probably should

Are you a stripper?
Are you a prostitute?
Are you married or in a relationship?
If so, on a scale of 1 -10, how likely is it that your significant other would attempt to assassinate The Candidate for sleeping with you?
Have you ever had sex with an animal?
Is Margaret Cho funny?
Do you eat sick new-born children in a similar fashion as to what rabbits do?

Memorable Jerks of Recent Memory

Angry Black Women/Repbulican Extremists -
'McKenzie Walbridge is a perfect example of why these two groups are basically one in the same (well technically speaking, one is a subset of the other). Not only are they out of touch and inconsiderate, but they're also jerks. "Since Barack became President, people have no reason to complain about 'the man keeping them down'". Let's be honest. Barack becoming President is a great example that shows that America is the Land of Opportunity.... but that doesn't mean it is the Land of Equal Opportunity. President Obama is the exception, not the rule, just like Magic Johnson being cured of AIDS, or someone being shot in the head 10 times while simultaneously drinking Jim Jones' Famous Kool-Aid and surviving.

Commonly, these people will say, "you're not the only one with that problem; example-1,2, and 3 overcame and did just fine. Why can't you?" To you all who say this, I'd like to invite you to play Russian Roulette. You're sure to be a winner.


Ari Gold - As seen in the show Entourage. I'll let the clip below explain why he is on this list.



Seth Green - As himself, also seen in the show Entourage.


OJ Simpson -
He is arguably the worst of this bunch. The man is tried for murder. Then he is acquitted. THEN he decides to write a book on the basis that, although he *cough* didn't *cough* commit the murder, *cough* if *cough* he did, this is how he would have done it. To the in-law family that he never got along with, there isn't a jerkish way for him to have said 'eff you and your whole squad, I killed her, and I'm going to try to make a profit off it too'.

That is all I can think of for now. If anyone has any suggestions to add to this list, please feel free to comment.